Thirty3

It’s 5 o clock in the morning and the break of dawn looms. Unable to sleep, my insomnia is in full swing and I’m slowly running out of options. I’ve always kept “big” feelings to myself, not wanting to burden others or make them worry. But I know that holding everything in isn’t healthy, so I’m writing this to explore my feelings and get some of this off my chest.

I’ve been struggling to find the words to describe what it feels like to watch my best friend, someone I love deeply, face one of the hardest battles imaginable. She’s 36, a devoted parent to a one-year-old and she was diagnosed with Invasive Ductual Carcinoma Grade III Triple Negative Breast Cancer. The cancer has now spread to her lymphatic system.

Since this all began, in April, I have been trying so hard to push down my knowledge of this disease.. forcing myself not think about what is actually happening to her. Each nugget of information is worse than the last and all I have tried to do is support my best friend and maintain a positive attitude but today, after this, I don’t know if I can.

This is a profoundly difficult situation. My own past experience with cancer has shaped how I approach it. I may be more focused, more aware of the process and perhaps more attuned to both fear and hope. However, the recent news of her cancer becoming metastatic has truly broken my soul.

Even though I’ve tried to stay calm and positive, the truth is I’m overwhelmed by a storm of emotions I can barely put into words. My brain pushes a lot of them deep down and it’s almost impossible to fully express the fear, sadness and helplessness that come with seeing someone you love endure this.. again.. At the same time, I’m constantly in awe of her courage. Her resilience is humbling, yet I can’t help wishing I could do more than just be present.

I know I’m not alone in these feelings, but sometimes it still feels isolating. I just cannot even fathom what is going through her mind. I’m no consultant oncologist, but metastasis is very very bad. I just pray we don’t get to the point where her consultant breaks her courage.

Thank you for reading.

❤️